Last week, I shared what I wish I had known about marriage when I was single. It sets the foundation for the more practical things I’ll be sharing today. If you haven’t gotten a chance to read that post yet, you can read it here: Singleness: What I Wish I’d Known Part 1. Perspective plays a big part in how we live our lives. And however we perceive marriage and singleness affects how we live in each of those seasons.
So, with the perspective of marriage I shared last week in mind, here’s what I’m glad I knew and focused on when I was single, as well as the things that I wished I had known and focused on!
What I’m Glad I Knew
Being single is better than being with the wrong person
When we’re single, it’s easy to feel like we just want to be with someone so we’re not alone, or to avoid that relative who always asks why you don’t have a boyfriend yet, or because life would just be more fun. But girl, if those are the only reasons you’re in a relationship, or want to be in a relationship, it’s so not worth it. Here’s the thing. Things might be good for a little while. Fun, new, exciting. But eventually, it’s going to turn bad. You’ll find yourself in uncomfortable situations, bad will turn worse, and things will get ugly. You don’t want to go there, it’s so much worse than being single, even than being alone. For reals.
Single lady, the man you want might not necessarily be the man you need. – Martha Macharia
My worth is not based on my relationship status
I knew that my worth wasn’t defined by having a relationship or having someone love me. And this is so so true. Even having the best husband in the world doesn’t make you more valuable. Girl, single you is worth just as much as married you. Your worth is defined by the Lord and that will never change.
The time that you have when you’re single can be used to serve the Lord
I think we’ve all heard it. Singleness is a time when we can devote a lot of time to serving the Lord. And it’s true, we do have a lot more time and flexibility, and being able to use that to serve others and glorify the Lord is amazing. There’s a lot of joy in it. Keeping up a marriage takes a TON of time, effort, and energy. Completely worth it, but it’s time that you pour into your marriage rather than other opportunities that come your way. Neither is better than the other, but it’s important to understand that service looks different in singleness and marriage. So don’t miss the opportunity to serve in the unique ways that you can when you’re single.
What I Wish I’d Known
So the things that I knew – yes, they were good and important. But there’s also a little bit more to it. So the pieces I was missing, that I want you to know are super important in addition to the things above…
Importance of building and investing in friendships
Especially with your girlfriends. This is a big one. One thing that I so wish I had invested into more while I was single was friendships with my girlfriends. Marriage brings a lot of changes, adjustments, and emotions. And while this is a time that you are learning to lean into your husband through those things and learning how to support each other in them, you’re gonna need some girl support, too. It’s easy to think we don’t need our girlfriends as much when we’re married (after all, you have a husband now!), but it’s just not true.
I have a few girlfriends who’ve stuck with me through everything, regardless of what season I’m in. And they have been invaluable to me in my season of adjusting to marriage. We NEED our girlfriends – the ones we can lean on, share with, laugh with, and pray with. You need them in singleness and you need them in marriage.
And…you can’t develop those kinds of relationships overnight when you decide you need them! So invest in those relationships now, build them now. Be the friend you wish you had, stand by someone the way you’d want them to stand by you in all your ups and downs.
Build friendships with those who:
- Have character
- Point you to Christ
- Encourage you in your singleness
- Are gracious and and supportive of you in your weaknesses and struggles
- Encourage you and keep you accountable in pursuing, building, and maintaining a godly relationship and marriage.
And be that same friend. Treasure those friendships, they’re invaluable.
I would also encourage you to build those friendships not only with singles, who you can best relate to in your singleness, but also with married women who can offer a lot of wisdom and encouragement, older and wiser folks that can mentor you, and younger friends whom you can pour into.
Importance of Building Character
So, it’s not like I didn’t know that character was important. I just didn’t realize how important. It’s something we should always be focused on, regardless of what season we’re in, as we are called to reflect the character of Christ.
But when I got married and challenges, disagreements, emotions, and lots of opportunities for self-sacrificing love came up, I realized something. Most of my single years I focused on preparing for marriage by learning how to keep up the house, do the laundry, menu plan and cook, budgeting, etc. etc., and all of those were helpful, don’t get me wrong. But what marriage really requires is character.
- Self control. Lot’s of it.
- Willingness and ability to lay down your needs and wants.
- Grace to adjust, revisit, adjust, revisit, and adjust again.
- Patience to listen when you don’t want to.
- Understanding to hear your partner’s heart when you just want them to hear yours.
- Humility to share the things you don’t really want to share, to admit your needs and desires, and to confess your sin and struggles.
In the middle of those not-as-fun marriage moments, choosing the right response is HARD. But you can’t have a healthy relationship without those things. Healthy relationships require character. So when you face situations similar to those when you’re single, don’t run away or back down from them. Seek out advice on handling those situations, practice, and use those times to grow, even though it’s uncomfortable.
Importance of Learning Yourself
“I think it’s very healthy to spend time alone. You need to know how to be alone and not defined by another person.” —Oscar Wilde
So maybe this seems kinda obvious, the importance of learning and knowing yourself. And nope, I don’t mean you should be self absorbed, thinking about yourself all the time. But understanding yourself is very valuable when it comes to being able to relate well with other people – romantic relationship or not. These things will be more pronounced in a dating relationship, and even more so in a marriage relationship, but it also applies to friends, family, co-workers, you name it. So what are these “things” about yourself that you should be aware of, and what should you be doing with them?
Emotions
Learn how to identify what you’re feeling, and to appropriately express and handle them. (We all can spot the people who don’t understand what they’re feeling and don’t know how to express it or handle it – am I right?!) Ask yourself: why I am feeling this? What caused it? What options do I have in handling this? Should I let it go or do I need to say something about it? It takes a lot of time and practice to learn to understand and handle our emotions. And I’m not saying if you practice it now, you’ll have it all figured out by the time you get married. But the more that you do practice it now, the easier it will become.
Weaknesses and Needs
Where are you vulnerable? What causes you to stumble? What hurts you? Where do you need encouragement and accountability? Knowing these things really helps in identifying a potential spouse and in keeping up a healthy relationship, as well as friendships.
Things That Make You Uncomfortable
This is a big one. Know what things make you uncomfortable and don’t be ashamed of them. If you can’t admit that something makes you uncomfortable, it’ll be much harder to say “no” when you find yourself in those situations. Again, this applies to all relationships, but in a romantic relationship, you’ll be more tempted to impress the other person and dismiss your feelings. But you have convictions for a reason! It’s a built in safety. Don’t ignore your conscience.
Boundaries
Closely follows with the things you are uncomfortable with. Start learning what things are and are not healthy in relationships. Learn where your lines are and what steps you can take to put them in place in your life. Boundaries are GOOD.
Strengths
Another great thing to be learning. What are you good at? What do you enjoy? What comes naturally to you? These things are a part of who you are! Know them, develop them, use them, and don’t forget them. Being around other people who are great at things we are not sometimes makes us feel like we’re inadequate. But rather focusing on that, how much better would it be if we focused on using our strengths to impact and bless others? We easily forget our strengths – which can be a huge weakness!
Desires
In my post last week (part 1), I shared that your purpose goes beyond your marriage. There are going to be things that God calls you to do, desires he places in you, to accomplish his purposes. Sometimes we don’t exactly understand those desires or what we’re to do with them (particularity if it seems like what we’re doing has nothing to do with them!). But don’t ignore them. Pursue them in prayer, allow the Lord to shape and direct them. Be aware of them. These are things that are a part of you and shouldn’t be dismissed because you’re single or because you’re married. Regardless of your relationship status, your desires and and your calling are a part of who you are and the work that the Lord has for you, however and whenever he chooses to work them out.
One of the reasons so many singles are dissatisfied is that they’re looking for a change in status to define their significance, rather than finding a purpose in life, granted by God, that gives them significance regardless of the status they’re in. – Tony Evans
If I Could Go Back
Here’s what I’d DO differently:
- Pay more attention to emotions, seeking advice and learning how to handle them
- Don’t skirt around difficult circumstances. Again, seek out advice and work on building character in those difficult circumstances. I used to think things like, “Oh, I’ll know how to handle these things when I’m a little older.” Or, ” I can deal with hard things later in life.” No. No, no. Circumstances will only get more and more difficult the older you get. You’re never going to have all the answers. And there’s no way to learn how to handle every circumstance. But what you can learn is character. And that’s what you’ll need to get you through increasingly harder challenges.
- Invest in and develop strong, healthy friendships
- Enjoy. You get to set your schedule, do the things you love, etc. OK enjoy it. 🙂
Hope for love, pray for love, wish for love, dream for love…but don’t put your life on hold waiting for love. – Mandy Hale
Struggling?
If you’re struggling with being single, girl, I feel you. I know what it’s like to long for a husband. Unfortunately, there’s not a magic fix to make waiting easier or to curb the desire, longing, disappointment, or loneliness. But here are some things that can help:
- Talk to others about it. Share what you’re going through. There’s a lot of comfort and encouragement in empathy, and in connecting with and encouraging others going through the same thing.
- Ask yourself, “what specifically am I struggling with? Why?” Ask the Lord to provide in that area.
- If you’re having a hard time waiting and feeling like God has forgotten about you, remember God is working out the best for you…and you don’t want anything other than that. He’s not withholding anything from you!!
Being single doesn’t mean no one loves you… It just means that God is busy writing your love story. – Unknown
Something To Be Aware Of
Girl, I’ve noticed a troubling trend, and I want to take just a second to talk about it. It’s a dangerous belief that can take you to unhealthy places, and I don’t want you to land there! Maybe you’ve heard some of the following:
I like being single — I’m always there when I need me. – Art Leo
Girl, you’re gonna let yourself down. And you’re not enough for you. But God is always there when you need Him, and he’ll never let you down.
I don’t need a man to rectify my existence. The most profound relationship we’ll ever have is the one with ourselves. Shirley MacLaine
I’m sorry, but the most profound relationship we will ever have is with the almighty holy God of the universe who died to save us.
I’ve been single for awhile and I have to say, it’s going very well. Like… it’s working out. I think I’m the one. – Emily Heller
You’re not the one. Jesus us the one. He’s your perfection, your completion, your fulfillment, your love, your life, your all in all.
I celebrate myself, and sing myself. – Walt Whitman
There should only be One in our life that is celebrated and sung – and that’s Jesus.
Secular wisdom turns to self as the answer to singleness. But this life is not about us. And if we find ourselves thinking and believing the things in the quotes above, we’re going to be sadly disappointed…and deceived.
Jesus IS your fulfillment. He IS your purpose, your joy, your satisfaction. Yes, it’s hard to see it and hard to understand it. We’ll spend our whole lifetime discovering how He is those things for us…but it’s all true.
Additional Resources
Articles:
The Beauty and Challenge of Singleness
11 Ways Single Christians Enjoy Their Singleness Without Wasting It
10 Godly Ways to Enjoy Being Single
How To Pray for Your Future Husband
Books:
Boundariesby Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
Your Beautiful Purpose by Susie Larson
The Power of a Praying Woman by Stormie Omartian