Well, day 4 is a day late. Yesterday was a blur. I only got about 2 hours of sleep the night before, so all that happened yesterday was taking care of the baby with eyes half open and sleeping when she slept. I did think about writing right as I was about to put baby E down for the night, but while I was lying next to her while she fell all the way asleep, I also fell asleep. So that’s that.
Thanks to some lovely experiences I’ve had recently, I’ve been thinking a lot about boundaries and loving difficult people. Not a light topic to think about or write about, but we don’t really get to choose when those encounters happen in our lives, do we? I know I could write forever and ever about this and get way too deep into it for my own good, but I thought I’d share some wide and broad thoughts on it.
The hardest part about boundaries and loving difficult people is that it usually involves people you are close to and/or interact with regularly. This would be one kind of discussion if we were talking about a distant acquaintance you saw rarely. But it’s a whole other thing – and mostly what we encounter – when it’s with family or friends that we see often.
What I’ve been thinking of a lot is how do boundaries and being loving go together? And how do you continue to be loving when boundaries are scoffed at or when you’re no longer in good standing because of boundaries you put in place?
I read the book “Boundaries” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend many years ago. And I’ve put many boundaries with many people in place since then. And yet it never gets easier.
The book makes the argument that putting boundaries in place is being loving and I agree, as long as they are put in place for the right reasons and with the right attitude.
But here’s what I’ve been having a hard time with. When you are treated with disrespect and your standing with someone is not exactly favorable because of boundaries – how do you continue to act in a loving way? Truthfully it hurts to know someone you love thinks less of you and is angry with you because you needed to put boundaries in place. Which leads to some “thinking less of” and anger of your own. So where do you go from there?
I don’t have an answer for that – at least not a good one. But there are a few things that have come to mind as I’ve been processing this, and so far they have been somewhat helpful.
- Remember not to give someone the power to make you feel bad about yourself or your choices, or to take away your joy or make you depressed. When you start to feel “less than” or bad about yourself because of someone else’s reaction to your boundaries, and you let those feelings start taking over, you’re giving that person the ability to ruin your self-esteem, your day, your confidence. Don’t do that! You should remind yourself that you are strong and wise and brave for putting healthy boundaries in place.
- Recognize that even though the boundaries are good and healthy and needed, it will be hard for the other. Be patient and try to be kind as you interact with them, as they are trying to navigate their own feelings about the situation. Give them the benefit of the doubt that they will get better as they adjust to the new boundaries.
- If they don’t adjust well, don’t feel bad for the boundaries you put in place and firmly but kindly stand your ground. They may continue to pout, manipulate, and test your boundaries. At this point more physical space may need to be created, but continue to remind them that you love them and that this is what you need to keep yourself/your family healthy. Remind them that the boundaries are there to help keep the relationship healthy and that you want a healthy relationship with them.
I’m in the thick of this right now and I don’t know how it’s going to turn out. But reminding myself of the above has been helping me to be a little more level-headed about it all. I’m pretty disappointed to be having to deal with this at all, but I don’t want to let it taint this sweet season. It’s not my fault that some people have unrealistic expectations or no boundaries. So while I do have to manage the way that it affects my family, I don’t need to carry the burden of it. Capisce? Capisce.
