30 Days of Blogging: Day 24
Originally posted April 27, 2019. Updated July 3, 2023.
Bringing this post back. When dealing with depression, anxiety, and/or burnout, wanting to be around anyone, making commitments, and being honest about where your at is so incredibly difficult. I’ve been hit hard with this as we’re starting to get back to some normal life after having baby E. We have so many people that love us and want to spend time with us and I’m so grateful for that. But too many people, outings, or commitments in one week is so overwhelming. I’ve found myself either committing to regular activities or preparing for the ones I’ve already committed to and I just feel like crawling in to a little hole and completely disappearing.
It’s rather confusing and frustrating since these are things I want to do. And once we do them I always am glad that we did. But there’s a constant dread an anxiety looming over me as I anticipate all these things happening. As I’ve talked about in other posts, medication helps, counseling helps, and boundaries help. But it doesn’t make it all better. And being in community, connecting with other people, is not an area I’m willing to give up.
So as I’m thinking of these things I’m committing to, I’m also trying to remember not to put too much pressure on myself. I don’t need to perform. I don’t need to hide that I’m tired or emotionally drained. It’s okay to simply be present.
Connecting with other people doesn’t always come automatically. It takes time, effort, energy, and vulnerability. I often think of it as something I have to be consistently active in, even proactive. But as I’ve been learning more recently, sometimes we go through seasons where it’s difficult to do that. Times when you’re in a hard place and you don’t have the energy. When your heart feels too raw to share.
It’s in these moments that I feel the tension between my own expectation to reach out and my physical, emotional, or mental inability to do so.
I need someone to know, but it hurts too much to share. Who can I trust?
There’s opportunity to be with others, but I’m too exhausted to participate.
There’s something on my heart, but will anyone understand?
I’m struggling, but I don’t want to be a burden to someone else. I know that’s not a good reason not to share, but the tension is there.
I wear myself out trying to figure it all out. Should I share or not? Do I open myself up or not? Am I being selfish? I should be thinking about others and what they’re going through and how I could help them. Or maybe I should just withdraw, back away until I’m better.
It’s just one endless, wearisome thought loop.
We’ve got to give ourselves some grace. In the hard places, sometimes we can’t figure out what we should do, or need to do, or how to balance all of our thoughts or feelings. We feel that if we can’t be on top of our “connecting” game, we should step away until we can do a better job. But that leaves us in a pretty lonely place during hard seasons, and not to mention cuts other people off from us.
If you’re in hard season right now, maybe it’s time to try something different. Something simpler. Who says you have pour your heart out, come up with all the conversation starters, and take all of the first steps?
Maybe you just need to take one step.
The step to be present.
It’s ok if not everyone knows everything. You may feel a little broken, but that doesn’t mean you’re not loved or wanted. Maybe you won’t have the energy you want, but you’ll be there. That’s what everyone wants anyway, right? Others to be present with them?
I’ve noticed a beautiful thing when I choose to be present with others when I’m in a hard place. My heart’s a little more tender, I’m more sensitive to others. I begin to see more of their hard places and I’m moved by compassion.
My brokenness is the lens I need to see others’ brokenness.
That’s a beautiful opportunity for connection. Maybe a quiet connection, but a tender connection. A connection that allows us to honestly say:
I see you.
I feel the brokenness too.
You don’t walk in the hard places alone.
