Courtship. That was my first relationship experience, and I learned a lot from it. I spent a couple years after that trying to figure out what a healthy “get to know someone” relationship looked like. What you should do and shouldn’t do. But I spent so much time in the details of things, I often felt overwhelmed and frustrated with the legalistic pressure of “getting everything right.” I knew from previous experience that there’s not “one right way” to do things that will guarantee the results you want. But I came to realize through a much smoother dating relationship with my now husband, that perspective, motives, and healthy guiding principles go a lot further than a list of do’s and don’ts. In the end, here’s what I found most helpful to know, and that would’ve helped make my first relationship experience less traumatic.
1. There’s no perfect formula
No relationship is the same. There’s no one set of rules that will make a relationship work. When approaching relationships, we often look and ask for specific things that will guarantee our relationship to work. But it doesn’t quite work that way. There are guiding principles that certainly need to be considered for a healthy relationship, and we can’t just make up whatever rules feel good to us. Or expect that if we follow a certain set of rules, our relationship will work out perfectly. But the application of essential principles – to an extent – will look different for everyone.
2. Perspective and expectations count for a lot when it comes to dating.
The way you approach dating will largely affect your dating experience. Whether you’re already dating or would like to date, I would highly encourage you to ask yourself:
- Why do I want to date/why am I dating?
- What are my expectations?
- What’s my goal?
The answers to those questions set the stage. And when both parties have the same expectations and goal throughout the relationship, it will make things quite a bit easier.
I believe the intent of dating is to find a potential spouse, opposed to dating just for fun, experimentation, or because you can’t stand to not have a significant other. As Christians, our ultimate goal is to glorify the Lord. He created us for covenant relationship. And marriage should reflect His image, His purity, His commitment, His sacrifice, His love. We crave intimacy and oneness in a romantic relationship – and rightly so, because that’s how we were created. But those things can only be fulfilled in marriage as the Lord designed it.
If dating is prolonged with no intention of marriage, then there’s no way those desires can be rightly fulfilled. In those situations, our spiritual, emotional, and physical purity is at a higher risk.
Dating with no intent to marry is like going to the grocery store with no money. You either leave unhappy or take something that isn’t yours. – Jefferson Bethke
3. Waiting until you’re ready to get married to start dating does make things easier.
Is waiting until you’re ready to get married before you start dating necessary? No, not really. But it does make things easier. I totally understand if you’re thinking, “absolutely not!” I remember hearing the same thing when I was single and thinking that was ridiculous, because I didn’t want to wait until both I and whoever I was going to marry was ready to get married before starting to date. I’d have to wait f.o.r.e.v.e.r.
But as it turns out, by the time I met my husband, we were both in the position where we could get married. And that was a huge blessing. When you meet the person you want to marry, chances are you’re going to want to be in a position where you can get married. Once you know, you know. And having to drag things out years beyond that point is hard. Just something to think about.
What do I mean by “being ready” to get married?
- Are you (collectively) financially able or will you be in a reasonable amount of time? Can you afford a place to live together and cover the cost of living?
- Are you both emotionally and spiritually mature?
- Are you both ready to commit yourselves to someone rest of your life?
4. Balancing vulnerability and boundaries in dating is important.
Relationships require vulnerability. When you get married, your spouse will be the person you share everything with. Including, and especially, the ugly stuff. Opening yourself up to someone at that level takes a lot of trust, is pretty scary, and means you will get hurt.
In dating, there’s a delicate balance of being vulnerable enough that you can truly get to know one another, but also protecting yourself/one another through the process. There’s a natural progression of vulnerability that follows the stages of dating, engagement, and marriage.
So how do you balance being vulnerable and maintaining boundaries?
- Know in what ways and areas it’s appropriate to open up in each stage of the relationship. Consider the spiritual, emotional, and physical aspects, as well how much (depth) is appropriate to share in each of those areas at each stage.
Here are a few questions to help get you started thinking through some boundaries:
- Early dating stage: What should be shared to determine if you’re interested in each other?
- Mid-dating stage: What things need to be shared to determine if this is someone you’d consider marrying?
- Late-dating stage: What things are necessary to share in order to make a decision on whether or not you get married? Share when you know this is someone you’re seriously considering marrying, and you know he is seriously considering getting married, too.
- Engagement: What things do we need to share as we’re planning our future life together?
- Marriage: What things would I only share with my husband? Don’t share until your married.
2. Once you’ve established what’s appropriate to share in each stage, be open in those areas. With healthy boundaries in place, you should be able to fully open up within those boundaries.
3. If you’re having a hard time opening up within the boundaries you’ve set, consider why. Do you not feel safe in the relationship? Do you need to work on building trust? Or is this just not someone you can feel safe with? Don’t ignore your feelings here. These may be indicators of an unhealthy relationship. If you’re able to open up within the established boundaries for the given stage that you’re in, you’ll naturally progress to the next stage.
5. What to be Watching For
As you’re getting to know each other, I’d encourage you to watch for the following:
- The things that you know you want in a spouse. What’s really important to you?
- Attraction. And I mean physical attraction. Are you physically attracted to the guy? Because if you’re not, turn right around and run the other way!!! I don’t care how nice he is.
- The things that make marriage work.
- Are your jobs and lifestyles compatible? There’ll be adjustments for sure once you get married, but are your situations workable for what’s important to both of you?
- Can you communicate well? Can you have difficult conversations?
- Do you both have the character to: be self-controlled, to defer to one another, to be patient, to discuss difficult things, to compromise, to stay when things get hard, to forgive unconditionally and all the time, to attend to each others needs even if yours aren’t met?
- Does he love you for you? Do you love him for him? Not just because the things you do, or because you could do great things together, or because you improve each other’s lives. Those things won’t always feel true. But you’ll always be you, and he’ll always be him.
- Signs of an unhealthy relationship. Check out the resources below. If you’re seeing any of these, be cautious! None of us is perfect, but if you’re seeing patterns or consistent unhealthy behaviors, don’t dismiss that. Be particularly aware if actions aren’t lining up with words.
- The Lord’s leading. You may know what you want in a spouse, but the Lord knows what you need. And you’ll always want the man He has for you, not the want you think you want.
6. Asking “How Far Is Too Far” is a good idea.
Let’s talk a minute about physical boundaries. The irony here is that you should be attracted to the person you’re dating, so not being physical will be hard. It makes things a little complicated in a godly relationship where you’re trying to maintain physical purity. It can create a lot of tension. So while physical attraction and desire is good and necessary, it’s something you’ll also have to fight when you’re dating.
A very common question asked in dating relationships is “how far is too far?” And so often I hear, “you’re asking the wrong question. What you really should be looking at is your heart, your motives, asking instead, ‘what would be honoring to the Lord, rather than how close can we get?'”
And while that’s all very true and an important perspective, we make a big mistake not asking how far is too far. Here’s why. In the moment, when desire is strong and all we want to do is give into that desire, we’re not always thinking “is this honoring to the Lord?” We’re thinking, “I really want to be with this person, this is really hard, I just want a little more…” and so on. It can be easier to stretch what is “honoring to the Lord” in our minds in those moments.
This is where preset boundaries come into play. If we’ve determined beforehand how far is too far, with what is honoring to the Lord in mind, then in those tempting moments, we’ll immediately know if we’ve cross the lines. It gives a clear line that says “stop” when find ourselves caught up in the moment. If we don’t have those stop signs pre-determined, we’ll keep moving them further and further with each “moment.”
7. Breakups are hard, but don’t avoid them if that’s what needs to be done.
Unless you’re one of the few who marry the first person they date, you’re going to experience a breakup or two, or more. None of us want to experience breakups. They’re painful. You’ve invested a lot of yourself into a relationship that didn’t last. There’s damage and hurt.
When I was a teenager, I was convinced that I was going to marry the first person I had dated. I didn’t want to give any part of myself away to someone who I wasn’t going to marry. I didn’t want to get hurt. And I didn’t want to experience the pain of a breakup or of the possibility of having previous relationship baggage affect future relationships. It’s messy. And I didn’t want that.
But sometimes, it’s necessary. Sometimes, we’ll get to know someone and share ourselves and realize that’s not the person we should marry. And that’s ok. In fact, that’s good. It’s a necessary process we have to go through to find the spouse the Lord has for us. We learn a lot about ourselves in the process, and we avoid marrying someone we shouldn’t (which would be way more miserable than a breakup). So while we don’t want to date and breakup for the sake of experience, we also shouldn’t be afraid of breakups if that’s what needs to be done.
Closing Thoughts
I know there are so many other things that could be covered when it comes to dating. All relationships are complex and it’s hard to cover everything in any one conversation, blog post, or even book. But I do hope that backing up to look at some of the bigger picture items will help and encourage you as you navigate the details.
Additional Resources
Articles
Six Traits to Look for in a Spouse – Desiring God
10 Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship – One Love
5 Ways to Ruin a Perfectly Good Dating Relationship – Challies
I Slept with My Girlfriend – Now What? – Desiring God
Wait to Date Until You Can Marry – Desiring God
It’s Not You, It’s God – Nine Lessons for Breakups – Desiring God
Books
1001 Questions to Ask Before You Get Married – Monica Mendez Leahy
We LOVED this book. We worked through this book for several months while we were dating. Not only did it give us great conversation starters, but it covered a lot of things we never would’ve thought to ask each other. The questions are very comprehensive.
