Some dread it. Some can’t wait for it. But ready or not, the First Day of School comes every year, and for both kids and parents, it’s something that cannot be ignored, even during this pandemic.
There’s a lot that’s wrapped up in this day. It marks the end of Summer, in many ways the end of freedom and adventure. It’s also a milestone to the next level, a marker that reminds us of advancement, the passing of time, and growing up. Even more importantly for some, it’s the chance for a fresh start, a chance to begin again. New look, new opportunities, maybe even new friends. The First Day of School can be many things to many people, but for everyone it always represents CHANGE.
So it’s a big deal to have that interrupted this year. Clearly, the distortion of that rhythm will have both physical and psychological impacts on kids and parents, and just like the annual First Day, this disruption cannot be ignored.
So how can we minimize this disruption? How can we keep the rhythm and recognition of this day intact? We have to be careful that we don’t create anything that patently fake or contrived, and we also can’t pretend like things are going to be the same as they were in years past. This is all about recognizing change, after all.
Below are some ways to address three of the biggest aspects of First Day of School while we navigate our way through partial-openings, virtual learning, or transition to Homeschooling during the days ahead.
Milestone of Advancement
All of us know the importance of advancement. It’s important to us to be moving forward, getting better/stronger/faster/more proficient. Not that it’s right for us to worship these achievements, but we need to acknowledge them. These acknowledgements build us up, establish our confidence, and push us to continue to grow. Establishing good practices to acknowledge advancement is critical to our development, and doing so has been a part of every society since there was society.
The first day of school acts as a yearly milestone to that effect. We’re one grade higher than we used to be. We’re one step further. We’ve grown up a little, and we’re ready for more. So to delay that is in some ways to delay that growth. It can feel like we’re stalling out, like we’re stuck.
How can we acknowledge this?
Parents, if your kids’ school is delayed or has gone virtual or if they’re now staying home, it’s important to find ways to recognize that growth in your kids. Maybe now is a good time to give them some more responsibility (along with more privileges and liberty, of course) as a token of their advancement. Remind them that they’re older and more capable than they were last year, and you’re proud of what they’ve achieved and who they’re becoming. Let them know that this coming year will be more challenging, but you’re know they’re up for it because you’ve seen how far they’ve come. You don’t have to throw a party or artificially turn this into some big “thing,” but do look for some tangible ways to mark their advancement and remind them they’re making progress.
Kids, you can remind the shareholders (your parent(s) or guardians) that you have advanced from last year by being willing to or even offering to accept new responsibilities. Time works differently for them than it does for you, and in general they will subconsciously try to hold on to the ways things were before. Show them, and yourself, how things have changed over the past year and demonstrate that you’re capable of more than you used to be.
Reinvention or Refinement of Identity
We all need opportunities to start over, especially while we’re young and still finding ourselves. How will we know who we are unless we try mixing things up a little? Many of us will look for a new job, even move to a new town to do just that. Sometimes, for whatever reason, we all just need a fresh start.
The first day of school can be a natural reset button. Last year is gone, we’ve had a couple months of a break, now we can come back fresh. We can strive to be the person we want to be this year. We can work harder in class, or try a new sport or activity. This year I’m not going to be such a weirdo. I’m going to be more kind this year. This year I’ll find the courage to ask her to the dance. This year I’ll be better. This is my year.
Does the year actually pan out like we want it to? Hardly ever. Do we end up becoming the person we wanted to be at the beginning of any school year? Almost never. But that’s the way it’s supposed to be. We experiment and try and fail and learn and grow. “OK, THAT didn’t work, so what do I do next time? Let’s try baseball.” FAIL. “Alright then, what about drawing or something?” Hmm, looks like we may have something here…
We need to bounce back and forth from different things to determine who we are. We need to occupy different roles from time to time to determine in which role we actually belong.
What does trying something new, trying to be someone new, look like when we’re stuck at home?
Maybe try a new hobby or activity. Parents/guardians, ask your kids if they want to try something new this year. If so, encourage them to do so, and take a more active role yourselves in participating in that thing than you ordinarily would. You’re not going to be a substitute for their friends or other kids, but you may be all they have right now. Also, remember this is THEIR thing you’re trying, not Yours. Don’t force it on them and be flexible with them. Kids, be patient with your shareholders as well. For sure they’re uncool and playing/practicing with them is not like playing/practicing with your friends, but they’re doing the best they can.
Maybe it’s time for a new look, as well. Different hairstyle, new clothes, new gear; all of these are very exciting, and the first day of school has always been a natural time to try them out. (Hence all the major retail events.) We don’t have to be shallow or materialistic, and we know that our appearance isn’t (shouldn’t be) what defines us, but we also know what we wear and how we look can be an expression of who we are. They help us feel comfortable and confident in our own skin. Again, we all know the vapid people who dress up and play-act to conceal their own insecurities, but learning to dress from inside-out is important to our development. And we need to learn what works for us as individuals.
So, parents/guardians, encourage your kids to try a new look if they want. If anything, now could be a better time to try, since they can get used to the look at home instead of in public. Don’t, however, force them into something they’re uncomfortable with. Kids, let the shareholders know if you want to try something new; they’re likely out of touch with the latest trends. However, remember that they are still the shareholders and you need to respect their decisions and their funding.
Social Re-Connection
Traditional school, especially public school, is a fascinating little microcosm of society at large. Often, this microcosm is even an exaggeration of society, possessing greater extremes of personalities, since people tend to both mellow out a little as they get older and congregate more exclusively with “their kind.” The dynamics at play between individuals, groups, and sub-groups is almost impossible to replicate in the rest of the world. (The only exception being TV shows whose direct intention is to stir up as much drama and conflict as possible.)
Regardless of our motives, when we toss our kids into this cauldron, we expect them to learn how to deal with The Others. How to interact with their peers, authority figures, those who are similar to them and those who are different from them. We need them to develop social abilities. They need to learn how to talk with people, how to express themselves to others, how to listen and empathize with others. We need them to learn how to CONNECT. So much of who we are as humans is dependent on how we connect with The Others around us.
Hope and Fear
The first day of school is a re-connection point. Friends you haven’t seen all summer. Or, if you’re new, a chance to make friends. It’s a reminder that you’re not alone. Forestalling this can lead to prolonged feelings of isolation, particularly for those who are extroverted and gain energy from being around other people. Many have been really missing that peer and human contact for months now, so having to delay the return squelches any excitement even more.
For many, though, the first day of school can be intimidating. There’s fear that I won’t fit in, or maybe my friends from last year have moved on from me. Or I find that I DON’T derive energy from being around others, and doing so is exhausting. And the more I try to fake it, the worse it becomes and the farther apart I actually feel, especially since the only way to gain social currency is to BE social. But even for most of us introverts, the first day of school still represents a chance to try again, a challenge to grow beyond our comfort zone. We’ve had all summer to rest and recover in “us” time, and now it’s time to get back out into the ring.
How can we recreate or simulate that re-connection?
This one is more difficult, and it can be very easy to create something artificial. Sure, we can have Zoom calls and all that, but the truth is there’s really no substitute for in-person interaction. Kids are always more adaptable than adults, so have always gravitated to new social technologies as ways to connect faster than their shareholders. But no amount of SnapChat, TikTok, or Insta can replace the depth and power of in-person conversation and interaction.
That’s not me being romantic, it’s just scientific. We’re made to detect and respond to non-verbal cues more clearly than those expressed by language. We can’t short-change our kids’ or our own development by removing them or ourselves from in-person interaction with The Others. Our development of empathy, compassion, and emotional connection will be stunted. (Remember all those jokes you share with your friends that don’t make any sense when you try to explain them to other people? All those “You just have to have been there” moments in life? What if no one was ever there?)
The Hard and Liberating Truth
Honestly, I don’t know if we CAN recreate this element of the first day of school right now. I think we just need to be true to ourselves and our kids and say,
“Look, this is the way things are right now. We know you need interaction with others. We know you need to see your friends and meet new people and try to get out there again. But we just can’t right now and that is not OK. This world we’re in is not OK. You and I were not built to be isolated. We’ll do the best we can to stay connected with the technology we have available, but we know that’s not enough and will never be enough. It’s OK to be hurting from this and to long to be with other people. That is the correct human response. Remember this as you get older. Remember how much people are vital to your well-being, and don’t take them for granted. And remember that they miss you just as much as you miss them.”
For those who are going full-bore into Homeschooling, be sure to check out our 7 Ways to Make Homeschooling Easier (and more fun)!