I remember what it was like waking up early on a Saturday morning. I had a whole day before me. No work. Responsibilities had been taken care of during the week. I could spend the day doing whatever I wanted, playing music, journaling, volunteering, cooking, watching Netflix, hanging out with friends or family. I didn’t have to run my decisions by anyone. Didn’t have to consider someone else’s desires or work around anyone’s schedule. There was no need to have anything figured out, I could just take the day as I wanted to. Singleness. It felt like…freedom.
When Singleness Doesn’t Feel Like Freedom
Freedom that I didn’t understand at the time. No, life wasn’t easy. There were definitely hard days and lots of struggling. I got lonely. I asked God why I hadn’t met anyone yet, wondering if I was pretty enough or smart enough or worthy enough. But there was a part of the picture I couldn’t see at the time.
Singleness. Yes, it’s hard. But I didn’t fully appreciate that season in my life, or truly understand it for what it was. Now, almost a year into marriage, I see singleness from a completely different perspective. Having a better understanding of what marriage is about really makes singleness look so different. Obviously, that seems a little frustrating since once you experience the thing that gives you a bigger perspective, you’re no longer single (oh, the humor…). So that’s what I want to try to share with you today. I know, I know….we’re going to talk about marriage in a singleness post?! That doesn’t seem to make much sense. But hang with me. I hope that I’ll be able to show you a little bit about marriage that will encourage you in your season of singleness.
Single people cannot live their lives well as singles without a balanced, informed view of marriage. If they do not have that, they will either over-desire or under-desire marriage, and either of those ways of thinking will distort their lives. – Tim Keller
Let’s Talk About Marriage
Before I got married, I thought the things that I struggled with when I was single would be all better when I got married. My expectation was that marriage would fix them. I thought marriage was the solution to loneliness. The solution to not feeling loved or worthy or valuable. The solution to not feeling like I had purpose in life. But honestly, those struggles actually got worse after getting married. I’m not saying these things to down-play marriage. Marriage is beautiful and awesome. But I want you to know what I didn’t understand.
Marriage Isn’t Going to Fix You or Your Problems
Marriage isn’t going to fix the problems you think it will – in fact, it will probably make them more pronounced.
The expectation that marriage is the fix-all couldn’t be further from the truth. In reality, marriage is the show-all. Marriage doesn’t exist to solve your problems. It reveals them. Marriage is a magnifying glass.
That’s not to say that marriage doesn’t grow you or refine you. In fact, that’s exactly what it does. Marriage will reveal issues you didn’t even know you had, which allows you to dig into things and address those things. But marriage isn’t just going to fix everything.
Marriage Doesn’t Complete You
I also kinda thought that my husband would complete me. Then I was so disappointed when I found myself feeling…kinda empty. I thought that my husband would fill my emotional needs, and then I became so frustrated when I felt alone in the things I was going through. I thought that being married would give me a clearer picture of who I was, but I honestly felt more lost trying to figure out who I was as a new wife.
The truth is, marriage isn’t the be-all end-all. It doesn’t complete you. Let me say that again. Marriage doesn’t complete you.
You Aren’t Going to Magically Become a Different Person When You Get Married
Your worth and purpose is not defined by your marriage. Your marriage is not going to give you worth and purpose. But your marriage can help you understand your worth and purpose. For some reason, before I got married, I thought once I was married I would be someone different. Like, a better version of myself who knew exactly what I was I was supposed to be and do, automatically. In many ways, in fact maybe in most ways, you’re the same exact person when you get married that you were when you were single. Yes, you are given a new role with new responsibilities, and you are deeply connected with another person. But your emotions don’t change, your vulnerabilities don’t change, the person you are doesn’t change…not without a lot of time, work, struggle, refining, and intentionality.
So What Is Marriage About Then?
(Please note: This is not intended to give comprehensive or complete understanding of marriage, but rather to show the reality of a part of marriage that I think is often misunderstood.)
Doesn’t marriage help with loneliness? A lot of times, yes. Doesn’t marriage help you feel loved and worthy and valuable? Sure, sometimes. Isn’t marriage a part of your purpose and can’t your marriage help you find or achieve your purpose? Yes, but your purpose goes beyond your marriage.
If you’re not feeling complete and full when you’re single, and you’re looking to marriage to make that happen, that’s just a set up for disappointment.
Why? Because that means you’re looking to your spouse to complete you and make you feel fulfilled. But your spouse isn’t meant to and cannot complete you or make you completely full.
Only Christ can do that.
So marriage then, is a picture. It’s a picture of the completeness, the fulfillment, and the unity we have with Christ. It’s the picture of the solution, not the solution itself. Sometimes it’s hard to understand our relationship with Christ, as we can’t fully comprehend it. But the marriage picture is the closest that we can get.
Marriage gives you a deeper understanding of the completeness of Christ and His Bride. Not the completeness we think we’ll find in a spouse. When you experience completeness and fullness in marriage, you’ll be given the most beautiful and complete picture of your relationship with Christ. But that doesn’t mean you’re not full and complete when you’re single.
In Light of the Bigger Picture
OK, so what in the world does all of this have to do with singleness? Why I am sharing all of this with you?
Because it’s the reality that I wish I’d understood even a little bit when I was single. I believe that one of the greatest challenges of singleness is maintaining the right focus.
When you’re single, you hear things like:
Enjoy your singleness!
OK, but how do you do that when you’re feeling lonely and left out?
Or, Don’t waste your singleness, use it to serve the Lord.
Almost as if singleness is viewed as set apart time to serve the Lord and marriage is the escape from sacrificial servitude to personal enjoyment and fulfillment. Whether single or married, you’ll serve the Lord just as wholeheartedly and just as sacrificially. It’ll just look different.
And maybe something people don’t say out loud, but something you can definitely feel, is the general perception that single people are lonely.
It gave me the impression that if I just got married, I wouldn’t feel lonely anymore… Does everyone think that married people never get lonely? Singleness is not the only time we experience loneliness. So if marriage isn’t the answer, then what is?
Singleness is hard, but it isn’t a curse or a lower position or something to escape.
Marrieds and singles, we’re not as different as you think.
Singleness is hard. Marriage is hard.
Singleness is beautiful. Marriage is beautiful.
You can be lonely single. You can be lonely married.
Christ gives us our value and purpose in singleness. Christ gives us our value and purpose in marriage.
Singleness is about serving God. Marriage is about serving God.
Christ is the one who fills us in singleness. Christ is the one who fills us in marriage.
Singleness glorifies God. Marriage glorifies God.
Singleness is a gift. Marriage is a gift.
Marrieds: Maybe we can put a little more effort into encouraging the singles in our lives where they are at? We’re not in a higher position than them. And can we please be real with them about marriage? Just because they aren’t married doesn’t mean that talking about marriage with them is irrelevant. The more honest we are with them, the better prepared they’ll be going into marriage. And they’ll be grateful for it. I know that it’s hard to let others see the not so good sides of things, but do you know how much sharing impacts their lives? They’re going to be able to handle what happens in their future marriages so much better than being blindsided by typical marital issues (like feeling lonely or disappointed or lost…).
Singles: Marriage isn’t an “off” topic for you! A right understanding of marriage will help you in your singleness and in your future marriage. Looking back, I wish I hadn’t spent so many of my single days thinking of it as a season I needed to escape from. There’s so much good in singleness! And living out your singleness well here and now will greatly impact your future, whether you get married or not.
So with all of this in mind, next week we’ll hit the more practical side of things. Thanks for being here, friend!
